Parents favor their children – A common situation today
For parents, children are always the most precious gift. All children will receive equal love, care and attention. Being fair to children is what parents should do. However, in fact, there are many families who are biased and unfairly treated due to biased and subjective thinking.
Some families favor the youngest child because they think that the child is still young and needs to be taken care of by both parents and siblings. In addition, many parents are more biased towards children with outstanding and elite appearance. However, children do not have the right to choose their appearance or IQ. Children may not be smart or talented, but at least in the family, children need to be loved and treated differently.
Although there are no official statistics on the percentage of parents who favor their children, experts say that this number is not small. Besides, a more painful fact is that many parents do not realize that they are treating their children unfairly. Because they do not recognize the abnormality in the way of education, parents have almost no adjustment. In the long run, the child who is treated unfairly will develop hatred towards his siblings, lack of confidence, and lower his values and roles.
A study conducted at Cornell University on 274 mothers aged 60-74 and 671 children found that about 70% of mothers were able to choose the child they felt closest to and loved. This shows that parents actually give more love to a child. In addition, this study also found that 15% of children feel they are treated more unfairly than their siblings.
Although the study was conducted in a small scale, it can be seen that the percentage of parents favoring their children is not low. Equity has always been a common goal of society, but in most environments, bias and injustice still exist. However, at least in the family, parents must show their children that they are always equally loved and cared for regardless of appearance or personality.
Child bias comes from many reasons and this depends significantly on the circumstances, living environment, and personality of the parents. Psychologists have pointed out some of the most common causes for this situation:
Due to the order in the family: For the Vietnamese, the eldest child is always responsible for helping parents take care of them. Meanwhile, the youngest child needs to be cared for and protected because he is still young. When having a youngest brother, parents not only spend a lot of time taking care of him, but also ask them to give in and help. These thoughts have been deeply ingrained in the minds of Vietnamese people, gradually forming habits that are difficult to change and most Vietnamese parentsb do not realize the injustice and bias in their thoughts and behaviour.
In the culture of Asian people in general and Vietnam in particular, men are always valued more than women. Today, this outdated concept has gradually disappeared, but many families still take this issue seriously. Men’s preference for women leads to favoritism for boys and disregard for girls. Boys often enjoy more rights and are loved and pampered.
Due to the ability and personality of each child: The personality and ability of each child is also the cause of the biased treatment of parents. Parents often love children who have bright appearance, study well, are obedient and appear depressed, even hate children with poor or not excellent academic results. In addition, parents also tend to pamper their sociable children. While children with introverted, quiet personalities may not be as spoiled by their parents.
In addition to the above reasons, there are also many cases where children feel unfairly treated by their parents, but that is not the case. After having a baby, parents often focus on taking care of the baby and don’t have much time to play and chat with older children.
This change causes many children to mistake that their parents do not love them. This is also the reason why families need to have a suitable education and pay more attention to their emotional life so that their children can have a deep understanding.
Psychological damage when parents favor their children
When parents favor their children, the favored child can grow up healthy without any hindrance. However, children who are treated unfairly are not immune to persistent psychological pain. In addition, the unfair way of education also makes children develop bad characters and it is difficult to achieve success in life.
Here are the psychological traumas stemming from parents favoring their children:
1. Forming stubborn, rebellious character
When children find themselves not being pampered and loved as much as their siblings, children develop stubborn and rebellious personalities. According to experts, feelings of discomfort and anger when seeing themselves being treated unfairly will cause children to form negative personalities.
Children will often appear rebellious and stubborn as a way of “revenge” on their parents and siblings. Children themselves know that these behaviors are not right and that they themselves can be punished. However, destructive behaviors will make parents angry and upset and this makes children feel happier than ever.
If children are not adjusted to their upbringing and behavior, their rebelliousness and stubbornness can persist into adulthood. This personality makes it easy for children to form grudges, grudges, selfishness and narrow-mindedness. In addition, children with stubborn personalities are often stubborn and never admit their mistakes even though they know their behavior is not right.
2. Reduced self-esteem
No one wants to be treated unfairly – especially within their own family. Children who are treated unfairly will always feel unworthy, worthless, and worthless. Children who are treated unfairly always remember their parents’ harsh words and blame, forgetting that they also have their own strengths.
Parents who favor their children too much will reduce their self-esteem. Children tend to be sensitive to criticism and criticism and always have negative thoughts about their self-worth. However, low self-esteem does not mean that the child is shy and self-deprecating. Some children intentionally create an extremely “thorny” outer shell, destructive to protect the sensitive and self-deprecating soul on the inside.
In fact, being treated unfairly is inevitable in life. However, children themselves can easily overcome injustice in society if they always have family as their spiritual support. On the contrary, when the injustice comes from the family itself, the child will face an indelible psychological trauma.
3. Jealousy of siblings
Parents who favor their children too much will cause family relationships to crack. Indulging children themselves can develop arrogant, selfish personalities. Meanwhile, children who are treated unfairly will always be jealous of their brothers and sisters.
If parents are too unfair, children may form negative thoughts like if there were no siblings, maybe parents would love themselves more. Evil feelings and thoughts from being treated unfairly will become heartbreaks that follow children from childhood to adulthood.
Because they are always jealous and jealous, children will never have true feelings for siblings. However, many children will not express their hatred openly, but silently sabotage the lives of siblings who are favored by their parents.
Jealousy that is nurtured over time will grow up making children selfish and evil. Before the wrong behavior of their children, parents constantly scold and criticize because children do not know how to love family members. However, parents do not know that their own distorted, wrong and unfair way of education is the source of this consequence.
However, there are also many children who are biased in trying to get close to and heal their siblings who have been treated unfairly. In these cases, there will still be good feelings between the children. However, the relationship between parents and the child being treated unfairly will always have distance. At the same time, the gap will grow larger if both sides do not find a way to reconcile and resolve.
4. Away from family
Children who are not treated fairly in their own family will find it difficult to bond with their parents and siblings. Family is inherently a nest, a place for children to rely on in the face of injustice and difficulties in life. However, if even the family itself is unfair, the child will withdraw and distance himself from everyone.
Some children show opposition and destructive behavior as a way of “retaliating” to their parents. However, many children with psychological trauma choose to live a closed life, with little communication with everyone. Because children themselves think that they are useless and incompetent, so they are not loved and spoiled like others.
With this mentality, children will become more and more distant from their parents, lacking closeness and intimacy with siblings. In addition, the psychological trauma caused by parents who favor their children too much also affects the psychological development of children. These children may choose to be single when they grow up or experience constant stress in their married life because they don’t really understand the meaning of family.
5. Increased psychological problems
Unlike adults, children themselves are not yet perfect in terms of personality, perception and immature life experiences. Therefore, children do not know how to regulate their emotions and thoughts. If adults can easily dismiss negative thoughts, on the contrary, children will be “swallowed” by these thoughts. As a result, children lose their inherent innocence and carefreeness and gradually become sad and isolated from others.
Children themselves need a lot of care from their families throughout their development. Difficulties in learning, conflicts with friends and sensitive psychology during puberty make children inevitably stressed and pressured. At this time, children need family support, sharing and guidance to find solutions. However, if they are treated unfairly in their own family, children rarely share and always try to suppress their feelings.
In the long term, children may develop some psychological problems such as stress, anxiety disorders, pubertal depression, etc. Some children turn to online games and alcohol and tobacco as a way to relieve their emotions. . A more serious consequence is that many children suffer from Self-Harm syndrome (a psychological syndrome in which the patient burns, cuts, etc. of his own skin with the aim of reducing suffering and stress).
Every unjust action and word of a parent is like a knife cutting into the young heart of a child. The emotional pain will follow the child from childhood to adulthood and leave a big hole in the psyche. In adulthood, your child will know how to “cover up” psychological abnormalities, but deep inside, there will always be persistent pain.
In addition to the psychological damage to children who are treated unfairly, children who are over-indulged are also affected by the way their parents are raised. Due to being protected from a young age, children can become arrogant, selfish, and arrogant. In some cases, excessive family indulgence is a factor in the narcissistic personality disorder known as narcissistic personality disorder.
Parents who favor their children, how to improve?
Being fair to all children is something that parents should do. Injustice is always present in life but at least in the family, children need to be treated equally as their brothers and sisters. A fair and appropriate education will help children develop healthy, love, share and empathize.
If parents realize that they are favoring their children too much, parents need to change to compensate for the damage caused. The timely adjustment of parents will help children heal psychological trauma and become closer to other members.
1. Advice for parents
Parents can completely heal their children by adjusting their attitudes and behavior. Psychologists advise that parents should take practical actions instead of just affirming to their children “Parents are always fair to all”. In the eyes of children who have been treated unfairly, this statement is just a false excuse. Words will never be meaningful without action.
Some tips for parents who are overly biased towards their children:
In case there is a new member in the family, take the time to talk with the child. Tell your child why parents need to spend a lot of time with him and that he himself has been cared for and cherished like that. In addition, parents should also ask their children for help in taking care of them to inspire responsibility and love. However, children should only be encouraged, not forced to make them feel uncomfortable.
Parents should show equal care and love. Buy enough cakes and games for your children instead of forcing them to yield to them. Young children do not have the same insight as adults. Therefore, do not force children to understand the thoughts of adults, but put yourself in their place.
For children who are introverted and quiet, parents should actively talk to their children. I myself have a need to be loved but just don’t know how to express it. Parents’ care will help children understand that all siblings are equally loved.
Limit comparisons of children with siblings in the family, especially when the child does not have excellent looks and abilities. Children themselves do not have the right to choose abilities, strengths as well as appearance. Therefore, encourage your child to try to learn according to his ability and do not hesitate to praise him when he really makes an effort.
When your child shows signs of rebellion and destruction, talk patiently to find out the reason. Absolutely do not blame the child and be overly critical. Because it is very likely that the child’s behavior is the result of the unfair and unfair way of education of the parents.
Outings can be organized to close the gap with your child and help him become closer to his siblings. Through these trips, the feelings of family members will become closer than ever.
Children’s psychology is very sensitive but easy to change. Therefore, with timely care, parents can pull their children closer and help them understand that they are loved and cherished like other siblings. The love and care of parents will be a medicine to heal psychological damage and help children develop healthy.
2. Measures for children
In fact, sometimes parents themselves do not know that they are treating their children unfairly. Because they themselves have sometimes been treated unfairly. This way of education has been deeply imprinted in the mind, making parents continue to apply it to their children. Therefore, when children feel that their parents are treating them unfairly, children can apply some of the following measures:
First, have a frank conversation with your parents. Maybe when hearing honest words from their children, parents will recognize and adjust their education.
In case parents do not compromise, please share your frustrations with others such as teachers, friends, other relatives, etc. The sharing and encouragement of everyone will help the children to be more motivated and know. that you are never alone.
If you are dependent on your family, try to ignore the criticism and blame from your parents. Avoid aggressive, aggressive reactions with parents and siblings. Because parents may be wrong, but responding with thoughtless behavior is not a right action. Moreover, this behavior will make family conflicts become deep and difficult to heal.
Set aside self-doubt and inferiority complex. Instead, take the time to develop yourself, find your passion and work hard in your studies. Only then will the children be able to leave the family and be independent as soon as possible.
In fact, even though parents are adults, they are not always thorough in the way they think and behave. So, if your parents are too rigid with your upbringing, learn to accept it. If you can’t find joy from your family, look to friends, teachers and should consider consulting school psychology when necessary.
Parents who favor their children will cause children to suffer psychological damage and form negative thoughts and personalities. Injustice is always present in life but at least you need to be treated fairly in your own home. Fair treatment helps children to be close and love each other while ensuring children’s healthy development both physically and mentally.
John Alen was born in 1971 and is a doctor in the healthcare and psychology fields with many years of experience. He is currently working at easyhealthylive.com, a leading health and psychology blog. Having studied at Y1 National Medical University named after IM Sechenov, John Alen is using his knowledge and experience to help improve the physical and mental health of people in the United States.
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